My Favorite Driver (so far)

I though the most…eccentric…folks I’d experience on this #workabout would be my fellow bus passengers. They are indeed special folks at times, but it’s the bus drivers that have proven to be the most entertaining to me.

Maybe it’s because they’re the ones in charge, and have all the power? I don’t know, I just didn’t expect them to be so out there and, honestly, funny. There’s one driver in particular that I enjoyed the most: the large (they’re all large) fella who took me on the 3.5 hour segment from Bismarck to Fargo.

Why is he my fave (so far)? Whenever you leave from a station, the driver has everybody line so he can check our tickets. He then gives a big speech, mostly to tell you all the rules. I was somehow at the front of this line, so it was like he was talking directly to me the whole time. I was thus perfectly attentive & focused on him, and this is exactly how I remember it:

Driver: “There’s no drinking allowed on the bus”

Me: <nods>

Driver: “There’s no smoking allowed on the bus”

Me: <nod>

Driver: “There’s no vaping allowed on the bus”

Me: <nod>

Driver: “Do. Not. Vape. It’s a federal offense, and I’m deathly allergic to vape smoke”

Me: <raise eyebrows>

Driver: “In fact, I just got out of the hospital, where I was for three days because someone vaped on the last bus I drove”

Me: <eyebrows still up>

Driver: “So, do not vape on my bus. If I catch you, I’ll immediately pull the bus over on the highway and will call the sheriff.”

Me: <blink>

Driver: “And I will have to be taken immediately to the hospital, and you will have to wait for up to six hours on the bus, on the side of the road, while they find a replacement driver”

Me: <slowly blink>

Driver: “When the sheriff shows up, you’ll be pulled off the bus, taken to the nearest federal detention center, and charged with attempted murder”

Me: <loudly laugh out loud>

Driver: 😡

Me: <clench lips, look at those in line behind me and realize, not only is nobody else laughing, nobody else is even remotely paying attention>

Driver: “I’m serious, and you don’t want this to happen to you. Do. Not. Vape!”

The driver ended up loudly talking to himself the entire time. I was sitting in the front, and at first thought he was talking to me, so I responded to him several times, but soon realized I had nothing to do with the conversation.

Anyway, we uneventfully got to Fargo on time. And I did not vape. 🚨